How can you enjoy sex when you’re ‘in the wrong body’? It's not always easy, but there may be more ways than you think. We got these tips from other transgender people. What does and doesn't work for you?
Sex or no sex?
Some transgender people feel good in their body, others don’t. If your body doesn't feel like ‘your own’, it can be difficult to enjoy sex. Of course, you don't have to have sex. But maybe you don't want to miss out. You don't need to. There may be more ways than you think!
What is sex actually?
Lots of people think of sex as being ‘a penis and a vagina’ or ‘something to do with the genitals’. But it doesn’t have to be. Sex can also be turning each other on, stroking each other, lying together naked or half naked, or fantasising together. Or... what does sex mean to you?
What do you enjoy doing?
If you’re not happy with your body, you probably don’t want to be touched everywhere. How does that work with you? Think up your own personal manual. Which parts of your body do you like touching, which ones do you prefer not to? And which spots do you allow your partner to touch?
Talk to each other
The most important thing is only to do the things you enjoy. Explain to your partner about your manual. Talking about what you do and don't want from sex can be scary, but it can also be nice. Read more on talking about sex.
Trust your partner
If you find making love difficult, don't do it with just anyone. Do it with someone you trust completely. Someone who knows you through and through. Someone you can be yourself with.
To have great sex, it helps if you can let yourself go. Don't think about what you look like or what kind of body you have. Focus rather on the great feeling. That great feeling is yours and nobody can take it away from you. Enjoy what you can do, and don't worry about what you can't do.
If you are male, you want to make love as a man, irrespective of your body. That's why trans men often use male words for their body and for sex. So: talk about your penis and about having a blow job, even though you haven't yet had surgery.
It's the same for trans women. Your breasts may still be small or completely flat, but they are your breasts! Talk about having your pussy eaten instead of having a blow job.
Fantasise while making love that you are in the right body. If you can summon up this image, you are often turned on more easily. However, it’s a pity to be so absorbed all the time, and no longer in the here and now. Try to stay in contact with that great feeling in your body. And with the person you're making love to.
Be creative with positions
When do you feel more like a woman than a man? When you're on top or on the bottom? Or maybe when you lie next to each other and your boyfriend or girlfriend masturbates you? Choose positions that suit how you feel about yourself. Experiment!
External aids and devices
Use external aids and devices to make your body match your gender identity. There are all kinds of prosthetic penises for trans males. There are limp penises (‘FTM packers’) to wear all day in your pants, but there are also erect penises for making love. There are expensive prosthetics, designed for transgender people, but there are also cheaper strap-on dildos on sale in many sex shops.
Trans females often wear padding in their bras during the day, but that's also a possibility during sex. You can also choose to keep your panties on during sex and hide your private parts.